Parenting - Useful books from the past year

Parenting is hard. There is a lot of pressure to give our kids the best possible upbringing, but is is not always clear what that means or how to do it. There are a lot of different parenting styles and they have changed significantly over time. In addition, our families of origin may not have had the kind of parenting strategies that we want to use now so sometimes it feels like we have to learn everything from scratch. Finally, every family is different and there is no best way to parent. That being said, having a parenting philosophy to keep your values at the forefront of your mind and having tools to use when facing difficult situations can be invaluable during times of heightened stress in a family. For that reason, I really enjoy reading parenting books to help me figure out some heuristics and tools to use with my kids. No book is perfect, but if you take from them what resonates with you, they can be super helpful.

I tend to use an authoritative parenting style which combines limits with lots of love. It is different that authoritarian parenting, which is strict and rule based or permissive parenting which is about connection but lets kids do whatever they want. In authoritative parenting, the connection between caregiver and child is very important in that it fosters trust and respect so that the boundaries that are set down are more likely to be followed. It also focuses more on changing behaviors with connection and discipline versus using shame based punishment.

These are some of the books that I read this past year and wanted to share. They not only include parenting books but also self care which is key when making parenting sustainable.

Mother Nurture by Rick Hanson, PhD, Jan Hanson, LAC, and Ricki Pollycove, MD - this is an oldie but goodie, published in 2002. It talks about Depleted Mother Syndrome which we call Mom Burnout now. It discusses how depletion comes about (too many demands with not enough resources causing physical and emotional exhaustion in moms) and self care to manage it. It also discusses how to communicate with your partner about getting your needs met. It is aimed at new moms through early school aged moms but can be used with any mom to help understand why she may be feeling out of balance.

Raising Good Humans by Hunter Clarke-Fields, MSAE - a concise guide to using mindfulness to help your parenting. This books includes introductory mindfulness exercises and teaches you how to work on your own reactivity so that you can be more present to your kids’ needs. It’s premise is that if you can be aware of your own emotions, you can help your kids deal with theirs. It’s a very practical book that has tools to help you understand and connect with your kid and also correct and discipline them so that they do not become self centered.

The Highly Sensitive Child (2002) and The Highly Sensitive Parent (2020) by Elaine Aron, PhD -  these books talk about a trait that up to 20% of people have which is high sensitivity. It reminds me of ideas such as the Deeply Feeling Kid by Becky Kennedy, PhD and The Orchid Child by Thomas Boyce, MD. Some kids are genetically more susceptible to external stimuli, have stronger emotions and are deeply thinking. These kids need parents who are more responsive to their needs and who help them with overwhelm. What is great is that Dr. Aron also wrote a book about parents who have this trait and how to take care of yourself in the midst of parenthood which is stressful already. Both these books help parents understand their kids and themselves in a nonjudgmental way if they, their kid or both have this trait.

The 5 Principles of Parenting by Aliza Pressman, PhD - this was a great book for tools to use with kids based on her 5 principles: Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules and Repair. It includes a variety of techniques that can work with young kids through teens. It is based on helping kids regulate themselves so they can become resilient through your relationship with them.

Yell Less Love More by Sheila McCraith - written by a mom of four boys, she has the street cred to talk about parenting. This book can be read over a month as it is designed as a 30 day guide. Each section has a story, principles that can be used, a quote and three tips. I think a lot of us struggle with mom rage and yelling and feel the shame that is associated with that. This book looks at it from the perspective of someone who has been there and gives you tons of tools to actually use with yourself and your kids.

I also enjoy kids books that help our kids learn about themselves. Here are a few that I shared with my own kids this year:

How to Train Your Amygdala by Anna Housley Juster  - this is a children's book that helps kids learn about their fight/flight/freeze response using a cute little Amygdala monster and gives them tools to help regulate their minds and bodies.

Moody Cow Meditates by Kerry Lee MacLean - this is a classic children's book that introduces meditation to kids in the context of a cow that has a bad day. It’s accessible to kids because they enjoy the hijinks the cow gets himself into. Because of the silliness, it gets kids to think about their own negative emotions without being flooded with shame.

Before You Were Here by Scott Westerfeld is a beautifully illustrated children's book about how we are physically connected to the earth. Great way to introduce kids to ideas about the interconnectedness of the universe and their responsibility to the world around them.